Caregiver Resources

Caring for your loved one when they didn't care for you

How do caregivers who were neglected or abused find it in themselves to forgive the past, and care for their family member?

• Focus on today

  Study after study shows that one of the keys to longevity and good health is to develop a habit of gratitude and let go of past hurts. To be a mindful and effective caregiver, focus on today. You can forgive, without forgetting. Don't waste your energy and spirit on events that cannot be changed. It is unhealthy and counter-productive. Make it a goal to stop judging family members for past behavior, and extend forgiveness for failings.

• Build a new relationship

  We've all heard stories of estranged families who reunite years later, forgive the past and go on to have healthy and fulfilling relationships for the rest of their lives. Parents or spouses may not change, but future family dynamics still can. You can do your part to forge a new, different and better relationship with your family member. To break the cycle of your childhood experience, let go of whatever neglect and inattention you suffered, and begin a new era in your family's history. Forging a new family dynamic can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life. It's not easy, but the end result is worth it.

• Understand they have flawed pasts, too

  Try to be aware that your parents or your spouse were raised by imperfect parents. They often did all they knew how to do. That doesn't make abuse or neglect right. It doesn't make any of it okay. But understanding that they are human beings with flawed pasts - they were likely neglected or abused as children, themselves - may help you care for them, and appreciate their positive qualities while you still have time.

• Accept the circumstances

  Don't waste precious energy wishing things were different. Dramatizing or pretending only makes the situation worse. Believe in your own strength and grace. Once you've decided to take the role of caregiver, accept it and do the best you can with the situation. Live your life knowing that you are doing the very best for your loved one and for yourself.

• Stay positive

  You can't control the past, but you can control your attitude. You have a choice every day regarding the attitude you will embrace. You cannot change the fact that people have, or will, act in a certain way. The only thing you can do is play on the one string you have, and that is your attitude. Even though it's hard, you can choose to be a "glass half full" person. With the right attitude, you control your destiny and happiness, rather than being driven by outside factors.

• Seek counseling

  If you're still having difficulty knowing how to forgive someone who's wronged you in a significant way, you may have better success working with a therapist who can help you work through your feelings on a deeper level and personally support you through the process. Talking out your past with a trained counselor can be helpful. It can teach you the coping techniques to help you understand (but not condone) your loved one's actions, get you over the hump of resentment and help you move forward.

• Bring in outside help

  If you simply cannot find it in your heart to care for a family member who has hurt you, that's okay. Make the decision, accept it and move on. Don't judge or condemn yourself. You can still ensure your family member is well-cared for, without providing the hands-on day-to-day care yourself. Home health care and assisted living facilities can ensure your family member has a good quality of life.

The bottom line is: Forgive in order to lighten your load. A grudge can be a heavy weight to bear. You can live each day to its fullest, with love, gratitude and forgiveness.

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